“Good news, Mr. Roy. There is no cancer!”
“And, what is the bad news?”, I asked my otolaryngologist, mildly worried
“Well, we still have to go in and take it out”, he said sympathetically.

I kept on staring at the small outgrowth in my voice box showing up brilliantly in the big monitor. A few minutes back, I had to go thru the uncomfortable procedure of cameras going down my nose and diving deep in the voice box and then video recording all the muscle movements as Joey (doctor’s assistant) instructed me to make all sorts of weird noises.

All this came about when I reported to my general physician about breathing shortness while talking. I thought he would take me thru all sorts of lung and heart tests to look at abnormalities. Instead, he asked a few questions and did the initial diagnosis. The logic of which was pure and I was struck by how quickly he narrowed it down.

“Are you still running?” he had asked.
“Yes. Although miles have gone down and so has speed. Also, I have started biking.”
“Good. Good. Good. Are you feeling any shortness of breath while running or biking – more than what it used to be a year back?”

It suddenly occurred to me. I have had no discomfort doing any exercise. Only when talking – especially in the morning, on Zoom calls or phone calls.

“Actually no.” I said, a bit perplexed myself.

He was clear in his mind though. “Well, there you go. Your lungs and heart are fine. There seems to be a problem in the voice box and you are having to take more effort to push the air thru. I would ask you to immediately see my friend Dr. Law”.

And there I was as Dr. Law, laid down the law for me on a surgery.

I was too busy staring at the video and in complete awe of how the whole thing works. I guess I had asked one too many question. The doctor asked his assistant to instruct the scheduler to give him ten minutes. She stepped out. He took off his gloves and manipulating the video frame by frame, patiently explained to me the different muscles that come together to make noise. He showed me how my flaps were closing asymmetrically compared to another video he had. And all this because of the outgrowth. I could have sat there for another hour and learnt how the whole laryngitis area works.

But I was struck with another question.

“Without biopsy, how did you know it is not cancer?” I asked getting a bit worried that I was taking too much of his valuable time.

I guess doctors do live by the maxim “Treat the patient, not the disease.” Because he doubled down on showing me pictures of what a cancer in that area would look like. The surface dryness, the shape of the outgrowth and all that.

“You match none of the three mandatory symptoms. I will return my degree if proven wrong.”

Somewhat assured by his confidence, I returned to our question in hand…

“So, what are our options?”

“Well, Option 1 is surgery. We will go thru your mouth and take it out. 100% chance of recovery.”

“What are the risks?”

“Negligible. No more and no less than other options.”

“Can it come back after the surgery?”

“Very rare. We might see one case in three to four years. Usually always benign.”

“Post surgery, will there be any restrictions – like eating and all that?”

I suddenly remembered that Dr. Vine in Dallas had told me I had to stop drinking wine for the medicine (Methotrexate) that he was going to put me on to combat the onset of psoriatic arthritis. I landed up getting him to refer me to another doctor who would do a deal with me – half a glass of wine every evening, half the dose of medicine, twice the time of recovery and every Monday drawing of blood to keep a watch on the liver.

“Well, we do not want any scars in that area immediately after surgery. So, you cannot talk for 5 days.”

“Come again?”

“No talking for 5 days. Absolute silence.”

“Well, Option 2 it is then, doctor!” I declared without even hearing what that option was!!! So much for my intellectual curiosity.

This had nothing to do with learning. I was in no mood to make Sharmila THAT happy.

Or my office friends, for that matter!!!

First of all thank you to DJ for taking me to the hospital at a God-awful hour and patiently waiting there till the whole thing was done and then driving me back. Doctors are too finicky about keeping patients under narco pain killers off the road. A bit too much, if you ask me.

The surgery took more time than was initially thought. I will not know what shape the voice box is in for some time. Unfortunately (or “fortunately” as those around me are pointing out), my total silence period has been extended from 5 days to 2 whole weeks. In fact I am not to exercise vocal chords till the doctor sees me on Dec 10.

I am thinking of this as my all inclusive Vipassana silent retreat with a surgery thrown in!!

I feel like my public company days have come back with their quarter end “quiet period”!

Had a deep sleep from the narco painkillers and then came downstairs. Started talking to Sharmila with hand signals.

All these days, I have always wanted to scream at her after most of our conversations: “What you say makes no logical sense! You are just being emotional”. But I never have. About the only secret you will need to know apropos how to be married for 31 years. (Of course, to the same person, I mean)

Today, after 31 years of staying married, I felt like risking it all and screaming at her. “Why are YOU hand signaling to me? I can can hear fine”!! 🙂

We all had a good laugh.

Good fun! Good fun! I am going to turn this as into an adventure. Already, I have submitted three dad jokes in the written form to Nikita!

It reminded me of an incident with my mom some 30 years back. Story for another day!

Imagine this… you have to stay completely silent for 2 weeks. This is not like your silent retreat kind of thing. You are home. Free to go around doing your usual stuff at home and office as long you do not use your vocal chords. This is due to a medical surgery – but you are guaranteed full recovery at the end of it. So, you do not have to worry about health complications from this.

Well, this is what I am going thru.

Of course, being silent means I have to slow things down. Also, I have a bit of extra time at hand since I cannot do any strenuous physical exercises – so no running or gym and all that.

Now, my question is – how would you use this as an opportunity? What are some of the ideas you have for me that I can use this to come out with a better version of me?

So far, I have started learning ASL. What else?

1. Dogs care very little about hand signals or sign language
2. After I am thru, my family can take any of your families in a game of Charades.
3. Salad places like Salata are completely out. (this is where you have to pick each ingredient in your salad)
4. Some of my friends are not doing the math before calling me to wish me a speedy recovery
5. I am very scared to go to the airport now. If I see something, what should I do?

The otolaryngologist entered my pre-op area. I had recognized him from a distance and had already waved at him. Like my regular doctor, he is very personable and has a great sense of humor. Instantly, we started talking about Thanksgiving plans and all that.

“So, Mr. Roy, you understand why you are here right?”
“Yes, we will take out the growth in my voice mail box.”
“Indeed”

He explained once again the non-surgical choices I had (including laser) and confirmed that I wanted the surgery.
We went over the chances of things going wrong and what might be the worst case scenarios.

“I am committed, Doctor. Let’s go for it.”

“Okay. We will do the Sinatra option then”

“Sinatra option? What is that?” I asked.

“Well, we take the growth out and seal with nearby tissue in a way that if Frank Sinatra had come here, he would be singing back on stage in two weeks’ time”.

“Sinatra option it is, then Doctor”.

—

For my Bengali friends: সেই থেকে আমি হন্যে হয়ে একটা গানের মাস্টার খুঁজছি !!

(For the Bengali challenged: I have been looking for a music teacher ever since)

Last night I had gone off to sleep feeling like a bout of cold was coming on to me. That would not help my situation. I can ill afford to sneeze right now. Sharmila had thoughtfully bundled me away in bed with night cap, throat scarf and all that. She can be a bit loving that way.

Woke up blithe as a lark at 5AM like everyday. Which is about midnight for her. Went to the closet to grab some jackets. Did not bother to put any lights on. Usually the family is fast asleep when I give Tuey and Bogga their morning walk for bathroom break. The jacket hangar swung and hit against the wall and made a sharp noise.

Which woke up Sharmila. Well, physically she got up. But her consciousness was fast asleep. Or, more accurately, trying to get out of the stupor.

She realized that I was fumbling in the dark in the closet. Her mind was still in the mode of “this is an usual morning”.

“Are you going to the gym?” she asked.

Now, lest you forget, I cannot speak. So, there I was, waiting for her to realize that I cannot answer.

Her consciousness was fighting its way to the present. I think it remembered we have three dogs at home.

“Are you giving the dogs a walk?”

I stood there helplessly in the dark looking in her direction in general.

A few more seconds. Her mind was almost there.

“How is your cold feeling?” Obviously, she had recollected last night.

Still no answer from me. For a couple of seconds, I was wondering what to do. You know, I cannot just go in the dark, shake her up and say “I cannot talk.” That would beat the whole purpose.

Finally, she blurted out. “Oh! Sorry. I forgot!”

“Bingo!” I muttered to myself as I walked away.

One more day of adventure begins!

#1. The biggest difficulty I have with silence is that I cannot interact with strangers. In fact, when you are unable to talk, upon coming across a stranger, your first reaction is to withdraw. At least mine is. Because I will not be able to hold on to an interaction. How am I going to any new friends now?

#2. When you want to say something, drawing attention to yourself is very difficult. You can be in the same room but your only way to say that you have to say something is by clapping or snapping your fingers. If you happen to have three dogs around, that is guaranteed to result in chaos.

#3. When outside, you are totally dependent on technology. I have to carry my iPhone with me all the time. Whether neighbors say something or the barista friends in coffee shops greet me, I have to flash out a screen to say “Temporarily Speech Impaired”. Took Tuey out for a walk early morning today. Forgot my phone at home. Quite a few folks must have thought I was in a foul mood given my non-reactions or simple head nods to questions that clearly demanded longer answers!!

#4. Also, I realized I like writing. I mean, I really like writing. I am constantly with a fountain pen and a pad or on my blog editor. Re-reading some of those, I further realize that, much like the wine in my favorite airlines, what I lack in quality, I certainly make up in quantity!!

This might be as good a clue as any to stop writing any further here 🙂

“Dude, you are a techie!” she said.

“Get one of those apps.” she said. The tone clearly pointed to the unwritten “Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah” sentiment.

I should’ve known better than to listen to her.

Let’s back up for a second. In one of the earlier posts, I had talked about … well, I can’t talk … I had written about the difficulty I was having in conveying my messages to folks at home. As a matter of detail, Nikita is no problem since we can talk in ASL letters. Natasha is not a problem either because she ignores me in general. And the three dogs are happy if I sit next to them without talking.

That leaves Sharmila.

When she initiates something, it will usually go like this:

“”, she said.

I maintain a pregnant silence.

“Oh! sorry!! you can’t talk!”

And that would be that.

Now, when I have to initiate something, that is a totally different story. First of all, how do you get her attention? Clapping or snapping the fingers only gets the three dogs to make a beeline for me.

The pandemonium starts after that. Because it is essentially a reenactment of a terrible round of Charades gone wrong.

This is where Miriam hurled the abuse of “techie” at me and impatiently pointed to the apps out there. I did “takie” her advice and downloaded a couple of those apps where you write your message and turn the phone sideways and it shows up in big font for others to see. Strangely, I had this nagging feeling that I had left my limo at the airport.

In any case, this so-called solution of Miriam got me into even more trouble. What would have been a minute of frantic gesturing and hand waving now plays out thusly…

Imagine this. Early morning. She comes down and is doing something in the kitchen. I have come back after giving the three dogs a walk. I wonder if she might want some coffee.

First, I clap to get her attention. She looks up to me quizzically.

This is when I get stumped for the first time. Because I had clearly not thought this one thru. Where is my phone??

So, I ask her to stand there while I go locate my phone. A few minutes later, I come back victorious and frantically start typing out on the app.

Let me tell you something about these apps. They are simply horrendous at auto correct. How does “You want coffee?” become “COVFEFE”, only Heaven knows. It is not exactly helpful that I have to type out something about Jay Jay, Tuey and Bogga half the time for her. That would be Jayhawk, Tuesday and Bungle for you, thank you very much!

After about pressing as many backspaces as real letters, I have most of my message done. That is when triumphantly I turn the phone around and show it to her.

Want to guess what happens next?

She, who has been patiently waiting all this time looks at the message with a frown and then instructs me to stand at my own place for some time.

What’s going on? Is she getting back at me for making her wait so long? I ask myself.

I finally catch up to it.

The next five minutes is spent in she simply looking up the whole house for her reading glasses!!

And I wait there wondering whether I should change that “Do you want coffee?” to “Do you want lunch?” 🙂

Miriam’s “techie” solution was decidedly felled by a “non-techie” problem!

Like every other Sunday, Sharmila and I headed out to our Sunday bar at 8PM. Idea was to sit down in some corner over a drink and watch the Sunday night football. We usually see the first half and then come back home.

At around 8:15, our bartender switched the TVs to NBC where the game was going to start in 5 minutes. And Sharmila placed our order.

Sharmila is more of a follower of football games than I am. She is not into stats and all that – but she likes to see a good game.

“Who is playing?” she asked looking at me. Immediately, she realized I cannot answer.

So, I scribbled “4” and “9” with my fingers on the bar table.

“Oh 49ers! Who are they playing?”

I scribbled “Bills” this time. Looking back, my mistake might have been in writing in cursive.

“Oh! Chicago Bulls!!” she concluded, entirely satisfied with my answer.

Oh! Boy!!!

Can’t wait to see a three-pointer in this game!

So I have done coffee shops, bars and restaurants without talking in the last 5 days. Now, we go for a couple of notches higher…

1. Number of flights: 3
2. Number of hotels: 3
3. Number of Uber rides: 4
4. Number of cities to visit: 2
5. Number of Board meetings: 2
6. Number of words I am allowed to utter: big fat ZERO!

One thing I have realized… people can be very empathetic once they realize you are impaired of something. However, that empathy does not necessarily translate to simple math in their heads.

#1
I got into the Skyclub in Atlanta airport. Dutifully smiled at the lady and flashed by boarding card on the reader. The light turned green and I was walking away. Except, the lady came running behind – “Mr. Roy. Thank you for being 360 member. Thank you for your loyalty….” I guess the screen had flashed up all my details when I scanned the boarding pass. She clearly wanted to say a lot more when I flashed my iPhone saying “Temporarily speech impaired. How are you?”. She immediately lowered her voice to a hushed tone and led me to a nice chair.

And I was like… I can hear you ma’m. You can talk to me normally. In reality, I just did the universal Thank You sign from ASL to her and sat down.

#2
There was a burly looking gentleman who clearly was not pleased with something in the world sitting next to me in the flight. He was having a rough conversation with whoever it was on the other side of the phone. Eventually, he got done. He was staring at the bottle of water sitting between us. I immediately signaled to him that it was his – I had already taken mine. And for good measure flashed my sign – “Temporarily speech impaired. If I am not responding immediately, I am not trying to be rude.” His demeanor changed immediately. Could not be any nicer to me. If the flight attendant asked me if I wanted snacks, he would helpfully re-ask me if I wanted snacks. Best part? After we landed, he got up promptly and got my suitcase down from the overhead bins.

And I was like… I can’t speak. But I do not use my throat to get my suitcase down. It is not like I bark orders at my suitcase to come down.

#3
Just finished dinner at the restaurant hotel. As always, I sat in the bar reading a book. I had flashed my usual iPhone sign to the girl who came to take my order. She read it and became extra friendly. A few minutes later, another girl came and asked me if everything was okay. I nodded and then flashed my sign. She immediately told me – “No problem. She already told me!”. Between those two, they must have come by some 10 times to check in on me. Finally, when I asked for the check the first girl came and gave me a paper with something she had written out. It asked if I was staying in the hotel and if I wanted to put the bill on my room. Then she had drawn two check boxes – one said “Yes” and other said “No”.

And I was like… What are you doing? You can ask me that question and I can nod my head and write down the room number on the bill for you.

Very amusing incidents. But all stemming from people’s first reaction to be helpful to me. I will take that any day.

I had finished my second Board meeting in as many days and as many cities and had successfully survived thru them without talking. The second one was in Crawford Hotel in Denver which is in the same building as the Union Station. Decided to take the train to the airport instead of Uber.

It is a lovely building replete with train themed bar, coffeehouse, book store with an aura of a great throwback to the yesteryears.

First, I had to solve a practical problem. Where is my train and how do I get myself a ticket? I was looking here and there when a lady – who looked to be part of the staff given the fluorescent jacket she was wearing – approached me. She asked me if I needed help.

I used gestures to let her know that I cannot talk and that I was looking for a train to the airport. (you should have seen how smooth that take off was with my right arm). She immediately got it. She took me to the platform and pointed to a train there.

“It will leave in a minute”, she said.

I gestured that I need a ticket. She immediately fished out her iPhone and showed me the app. As I was buying it, she kept telling – “You can do this in the train”. I stopped and wrote to her in my iPhone app – “That’s okay. I want to walk around the station and enjoy it. I will take the next one.”

She seemed to be overjoyed. Took me around and gave me a full tour of the station. Apparently she has been working there for nearly 10 years.

Eventually, I said Thank You and Bye (used ASL and lip movement) and went to the coffee shop. There the tall girl at the counter welcomed me in a very friendly manner and asked what I would like. I first flashed my “Temporarily speech impaired” card and then flashed “One 12 oz cappuccino, non fat milk, please”.

“You can hear right? I can talk?” She asked.

I wrote back – “Of course! You will be surprised how most people do not get it. In fact you are the first person to get it”.

Well, with all that intelligence, she eventually disappointed me with her words.

“We have no non fat milk!!”

Anyways, I got my changed order in. Now, I have to mention one thing here. I have become fairly adept at saying “Thank you”, “Good morning”, “Hello” and all that in ASL. For example, I invariably use ASL to say Thank you or Thanks a lot!

I signaled Thank you to the girl and stood in a corner for my coffee.

Then something funny happened.

I noticed she went and talked to the much tattooed barista. This, I have seen at every bar and restaurant. Once I let one person know that I cannot speak, they alert every staff around.

The barista, surprisingly, stopped making my coffee and came out towards me.

I figured he had some questions about the cappuccino and instead of yelling from there, wanted to chat standing next to me. (I had to flash my phone, remember?)

Well, instead, he caught me by surprise when he started making all sorts of hand movements directed at me.

It took me a second to realize what was happening. HE was talking to me in ASL. (Well, advanced ASL, if you ask me)

It, in fact, brought back some memories of what happens whenever I go to a Central American or South American country.

I will start a conversation with a stranger with a few words and phrases in Spanish that I know. And then all hell will break loose once the stranger continues with a lot more sentences of Spanish.

Similar to that, in this case too, I quickly retreated to my “No habla espanol” mode!!

The barista smiled knowingly and went back to making coffee!!