“You flunked in math?”, I asked her incredulously. In case you were wondering what is so incredulous about flunking in math, wait till you hear the end of the story.

“Yes. I am not very proud of it”, she said
“So, let me get this straight. You flunked in math and got kicked out of your college?”
“Yes. Again I am not very proud of it today”
“How much did you have to score?”
“20 out of 100 to stay in college”.
“And you did not score 20 marks out of 100?”
“No”

“Well, then how the heck did you get to where you have gotten to today?”

That question unveiled the incredible tapestry of life Urmi had woven for herself over the last three decades or so. She used to live in my neighborhood. She was my sister’s classmate till fifth grade, I think. I was not very close to her – but her elder brother – Rupak (Samudra) used to play with us. Therefore, I knew him better. The last time I saw her was probably 1983 when I left Durgapur. 35 years later, I found myself at a bar inside the PORT Authority Bus Station in Time Square area with that same girl. Duly equipped with a red wine for me and a spicy margarita for herself.

“Start from 1983. What happened?”, I asked

“I hated being told what to do. I rebelled against my parents, my teachers… everybody. I was a tomboy. I never studied. I did not do well in my exams. I was sent to a college (btw, my sister was in that college too) but I flunked out and went to another college”

“Did you have a purpose in life? Did what your parents/elders wanted you to do run counter to it? Is that why you rebelled?
“No. I do not think I was mature enough to have goals. I just did not want to be told what I should do. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. When I wanted to do. Where I wanted to do”.

“Well, then what happened?”

“Then I married the guy I wanted to. He came to US for higher studies. Eventually I joined him. And then…..”, her voice seemed to fade away as she was reliving her early days in a foreign country.

“And?”

“And,” she said getting her voice back, “something clicked in my mind. Suddenly, I felt I had all the independence in my life. To do whatever I wanted to do. In a foreign land where nobody knew me other than my husband. I felt a great sense of freedom.”

I waited as she again seemed to get lost in her thoughts. Finally she looked at me and haltingly, said “Then I got scared”

“You got scared of all the freedom?”

“No. Once I had all the freedom, I came to the next realization that I had not made much of myself in all my life. I was too busy NOT doing stuff to do any stuff”.

“So, what did you do?”

“I wanted to revisit that flunking out of college for not scoring 20 in math. My husband was a graduate student. We did not have much money. But we were able to scrounge up enough for me to get to school. I started studying math!”

“One second. We are still talking about math – the subject you flunked in?”

“Yes. I loved math always. I just did not like the teachers and the rigidity of the system”.

Well, turns out this rebel of a girl got a bachelors’ degree in math with flying colors.
Then she proceeded to get her masters degree.
Undaunted by her new born child and all the first time mothers’ duties, she kept pushing on her love for math ad then got a Ph.D!! While raising her young child!!!
Then she became a professor of math in a New York college – and eventually earned tenureship!

And that is what she does as a profession today!

Now you see why I was totally flummoxed when a tenured math professor in a college in New York told me that she had flunked out of college because of math!!!

What an inspiring story.

I see parents complaining about their wards during school years – more common in India than in US – that they are not getting focused and studying and all that. I have this belief that every kid eventually pivots. There comes a day in their life when they wake up and want to do something with their life. At that point they are wiling to put in all the hard work that comes with that territory.

That is the day they need all our help and support to push them thru that phase. Starting late does not make the journey easier but the self-drive makes success that much more achievable.

Going back to Urmi, there were some great subsequent discussions on happiness, mortality, supporting parents in India during their old ages and so on. Unfortunately for me, she needed to grab a bus back home and we had to end our meeting.

As an aside, later that evening, I was telling Sharmila about the meeting and she had an intriguing question – “So, what does she do when her children or students won’t listen to her and do their studies?” 🙂

I need to remember to ask her that when I see her next!!!

It was great seeing you Urmi after so many years!!!

Because every time they get together, the “PJs” (“Poor Jokes” – what would be called Groaners in USA) start flowing.

“Do you remember what is a complex PJ?”
“No”
“P+iJ”

Ha ha ha. (This is a math joke, by the way).

Completely meaningless mirth, I admit. But that was what engineering life for me was with guys like these in the picture. Great fun without necessarily any purpose to it.

Thanks to Krishna, who along with his beautiful wife Lalita graciously hosted me at their house for dinner a couple of days back, I was able to get together with three of my hostel (dorm) mates from 1985-1989.

T Srinivas – we called him “T” – is the big time economist today. After engineering, we did MBA together. I used to visit his house in Kolkata those days and remember the culture of intense bridge playing in his house. His parents as well as he had represented India in bridge at various times.

Krishna – we called him Kittu – is the successful investor among us. One of my lasting memories is going to his house in Chennai to meet his parents. I distinctly remember his mother and his brother. Unfortunately, I also found out that I am not going to be able to see his mom any more.

Finally, Abir – we just called him Abir 🙂 – also did Computer Science with me and I remember his impeccable hand writing from those days. And that he was always fanatic about being neat and clean all the time (which for us college kids was a rarity).

Our discussions were decidedly esoteric – when not exchanging “pjs”, that is. Got to hear some great perspectives from the three of them on concepts like “biases”, “irrational behavior” and why we do not follow our own forecasts and predictions. That was a fascinating hour for me over dinner hearing three really really smart guys talk about topics that fascinate me (although I cannot claim to have the level of their IQs to fully understand what they were saying).

We certainly landed up overstaying our welcome and kept the host and hostess up past midnight. That said, it was way too much fun. And I will shamelessly do it again, given a chance. It was that good!!!

It was almost three decades that I had been fruitlessly trying to track this guy down. We went to school together from fifth to tenth grade. Then during our engineering days, I had visited him and his roommate Pratik once. Way later, when I was working in Bombay, he had come and stayed with me for a couple of days. And then for 26 years, it has been radio silence. I had come close to tracking him down many times and shot emails or left voicemails at what I was given to understand might be his email and phone number. No responses, whatsoever!!!

About five months back, Mrs. Godura gave me a tip that Amit was going to be at her daughter’s place and gave me her daughter’s contacts. And that was how the elusive person was finally nailed. I remember having a very long conversation that day catching with him as he drove down the highway to his home city. Amit readily admitted that he had become a recluse and was trying to get out of that.

This morning, I was able to see him finally! After so many years! Actually after too many years! What was to be an hour or hour and a half meeting was going strong even after three and a half hours. We could have easily gone for another three and half an hours if I did not have to go and meet my daughters!

Sitting at that coffee shop, we went thru an endless cycle of :

Step 1: Amit: “Do you remember so-and-so?”. It would be a friend from our class or a teacher.
Step 2: Rajib… rambling on some updates of the person and appearing distracted doing something on this phone. Finally he hands the phone to Amit saying “Here is a picture. I visited him/her a couple of years back”
Step 3: Amit, completely silent, zooms the picture and recognizing another friend or teacher after so many years is totally overcome by emotion. The emotion of remembering some of the moments of the past was easily discernible in his voice and eyes.

And we we would repeat the above steps over and over again…

It was hilarious for me to hear how Amit remembered some of his early childhood days. Especially how he would skip a bus stop so that he had a chance of seeing the girls (we were in a all boys school and there was a parallel all girls school) from Carmel school who would be walking home. But what he feared most was if any would try talking to him. Apparently, he was totally scared of talking to any of girls!!!

Thank you Amit for making time on a Saturday morning – driving up to the city to see me and spend so much of your time with me. It was a marvelous throwback to the years where we would sit in benches next to each other in our grey shorts and white shirts with that “Like Gold in a Furnace” emblem emblazoned across our pockets… 1977, as i recollect, we did it for the first time… we were clueless then… and if today’s discussion on pursuit of happiness four decades later is any indicator… we were clueless now too.

But blissful, all the same.

And that counts.

One of the very few guys that I can claim to have had as a classmate during my engineering days as well as in my MBA days is this gentleman – Devinder Kumar! In fact, we were in the same branch (Computer Science) and same hostel during our engineering days.

Two things I always remember Devinder by – the quietness in his demeanor and that constant smile. Met him today after 27 long years! He was busy with his work day – but was able to come out for half an hour to have a coffee with me.

Caught up with his life after we parted ways in 1991. The crazy part is that he has just not changed in his looks – in spite of all these years!!! Even crazier is that his son studies in Georgia Tech in Atlanta where I live and I had no idea!!!

That was four of my colleagues from mid ’90s under one roof! Just like in the ’90s, I did my level best to bring down the average IQ at that table. What if you had overheard what we were discussing? In the ’90s, that table would have been passionately arguing about constrained anchored optimization and supply chain and all that. In the ’00s, we would be probably talking about our new jobs (most of us went our own ways).

Last night, in an indication of how old we have gotten, the topic de jure was meditation versus mindfulness. Don’t ask me how we got into that. But one thing has remained the same over the years. The passion in our articulation!! Although, I think we have become more thoughtful listeners now.

The best quote of the evening came from Magesh: “You can text the text. Now can you talk the talk?”

Thank you Anand, Madhav, Karthik and Magesh for a great throwback to the yesteryears!! I could not have grown up to be whatever it is that I am today without being surrounded by smart folks like you!