16 August 2016

This is why I do not go to grocery stores

This morning was a speed run day for me. After a few long mile runs, I wanted to get some balance in the muscle group stress points. Now, before you get any ideas, let me explain that when I say speed runs, these are speed runs by my standards. My 100 meter dash timing is not going to threaten Usain Bolt any time soon. In fact, by the time I am done with my dash, he would have completed his race, gone around the stadium one full round waving at the crowd, draped in Jamaica’s flag and would have further just finished his third autograph. Fifth, if he cared to hurry up.

In any case, back to my story. Halfway thru to the running track, I realized that I had forgotten to pack some food with me. I get very very hungry after the speed runs. And thirsty. Experience has taught me that a couple of oranges or apples fixes that problem very easily – I guess they are very hydrating and are rich in nutrients. So, reluctantly, I decided to stop by a Kroger (grocery store) to pick up a couple of oranges.

I say reluctantly because the grocery store is one of the most confusing places for me. The rare few times I go there, I find myself knowing what I want but not where to find it. After every single item, I call up Sharmila to direct me to the right aisle and the exact corner of the aisle. But, there I was – running into the store to pick up a couple of oranges.

Right at the door, I was greeted by an elderly Kroger lady of particularly cheerful disposition. She wished me Good Morning and asked me “Are you looking for anything in particular, hon?” with that Southern hospitality. “Good morning! And yes ma’m. I was going to pick up some oranges. Can you tell me where to find them?”.

Her answer – which was really a question – stopped me in my tracks to a screeching halt. “Clementines, Tangelos, Navel Oranges, Tangerines or Mandarins? Or perhaps Blood Oranges?”. I stood there listlessly looking at her, perplexity writ all over my face, no doubt. On an aside, did I say I know “what I want” in a grocery store? Allow me to take that back.

Not to come across as an idiot, I confidently replied “Tangerines, ma’m. Yes, that is what I want. Tangerines”. She, with a big smile, pointed me to the right corner of the store where all those confusing fruits lay all over the place. I went there, matter-of-factly picked up a couple of them, and pretended to inspect them – all the while tempted to Google what is it that I should be buying. I had no idea if Tangerine is what I was looking for.

And the moment I realized – by the glance from the corner of my eye – that the lady had become busy greeting the next customer, quickly picked up a couple of bananas and left 🙂

Category: Humor | 6 Comments on This is why I do not go to grocery stores
29 July 2016

Nikispeak – How to encounter a bear

Last afternoon, as we were driving around the Mendenhall area, I overheard the two girls sitting in the backseat discussing what to do if we came up on a bear…

Tasha: “You slowly back out”
Niki: “What if the bear is too near?”
Tasha: “Then you run”
Niki: “What if the bear can outrun you?”
Tasha: “Then you lay down and just act dead?” [I think she remembered a story of a person who did the same and the bear, convinced that he was dead, walked away]

Niki, was completely unimpressed with the tactic of simply laying down in front of the bear and then acting dead.
“That is silly”, she said. “The bear is going to be – Wow! FREE MEAT!!” 🙂

Category: Humor, Vacations | 5 Comments on Nikispeak – How to encounter a bear
29 July 2016

The practicality of it all…

Sipping my first cup of coffee and looking out into the completely cloud engulfed town of Juneau, I called up my mom for our daily call. The girls were sleeping and I had a lot of time at hand. So, today’s discussions with mom went a little deeper into her local weather than it normally does. Of course, she had numerous questions about Alaska. In her mind, Alaska is a huge sheet of white ice that we are all slipping uncontrollably in with every step – perhaps brought down by the weight of seventeen layers of clothes she has conjured in her mind that we must be wearing. I did not bother to mention to her that I was talking to her wearing shorts and a polo shirt. That could have quickly degenerated into a “thanda legey jaabey” admonition.

Going back to the weather in her place, after complaining about heat and rain (and the only reason she did not complain about cold is that the temperatures have not gone below 80 deg F (26 deg C) yet), she concluded that the best would be if it would rain during the night and have bright sunshine during the day.

Now, that did not compute in my mind. I thought rains during the day would be good to bring the temperatures down in that oppressive humid environment. Also, for me, I cannot see the beauty of rain fall if it happens in the dark of the night. After thinking thru a few more angles, I asked her “Keno bolo to?” (“Why so?”).

“Jama kapor sukhatey hobey na?”, she promptly replied.

So, apparently, come hell or high water, she needs the bright sunlight during the day so that she can dry her bundle of washed clothes everyday!!

That was very funny to me. Just the silliness of my assumption that everybody has a washer dryer and that drying clothes to her trumps all the discomfort of a muggy, hot day…

“Tai to, tai to”… I hastened to agree!!

Category: Humor, Vacations | 1 Comment on The practicality of it all…
19 July 2016

Open letter to my first wife, Sharmila

Sub: Why I am worried that we are Facebook friends

Sharmila,
I am moved to enough concern observing a pattern from my Facebook friends (whose posts are also visible to you) that I feel compelled to write to you. The aforementioned pattern relates to seemingly unending torrent of my friends congratulating their spouse(s) on their (and I assume this is meant to be their spouses’) anniversary.

Let’s start with the circular nature of the congratulations first. At the risk of exposing my naivete, I would go out on a limb and suggest that a friend and his/her spouse are almost always guaranteed to have the exact same marriage anniversary. I have come to this conclusion – after much head scratching, I must hasten to add – by sticking to my rather empirically backed observation that a friend and their spouse has had the same exact marriage. Kind of a definition thing. Therefore, I have concluded that congratulating you on your anniversary would be really congratulating you on making your choice – me!!! And that gets within a spitting distance of being Donal Trump-ish.

What however, causes me particular consternation is their declaration of “best wife/husband in the world” or some such superlative use of adjectives. Elementary grammar dictates that for anybody to declare another person to be the “best” spouse”, one has to have enjoyed a minimum of three spouses (or is the plural “spice”?) in their life. So far, most of those friends has had, to the best of my reckoning, (see, I can use “best” because I have had many reckonings about those friends) – or would at least admit to having – only one spouse. Declaring that one to be the best is like a Sierra Leone guy claiming it to be the best country in the whole wide world without seeing any other country. Some, admittedly has had two spouses, but even in those cases, I would submit that “better” would be a proper word. Not to speak of the danger of tooting one’s horns with a batting average of a meager one in two.

Then there is that small point of our relationship being nothing like the description of their relationship I read on their FB posts (and their anniversary congratulations). You fight with me, you throw tantrums at me, you insist I clean up after myself and even after I have promised to do something, you unnecessarily keep reminding me of it. Repeatedly. Every six months, in fact. Nothing like the charmed life I read about my friends on their Facebook congratulatory note.

Between us, one of us can’t even remember our anniversary date. No point taking names. We are a team. But let’s agree it is not me. Initially I thought your reaction after reading all those self-congratulatory notes from my friends would be “Oh! okay, it is not our date today. So, he did not send me a FB post”. Now I think you are going everyday “Maybe it is today. How come he did not send anything. He always forgets. You know what – that is proof that is is TODAY. Wait till he comes home. How can he do this to me?”

There is only one thing I will admit to – and even that after you have injected me with a healthy dose of truth serum (or a couple of glasses of red wine in my currency – whichever is easier to procure). I will readily admit that I always wanted somebody who is not like me – who is willing to fight, throw tantrums, box my ears to clean up stuff and remind me of my “Honey-dos”. And if I were to live life all over again in real life – not on social media – I would not want anybody other than you to be that person that would constantly nag and irritate me.

So, happy anniversary to me. Now, you go figure out the date!!

– Rajib 🙂

Note for the readers: In case there was any curiosity, I refer to Sharmila as my first wife since I am absolutely confident of that fact. I have no empirical evidence to suggest she is my last wife. Elementary logic would suggest that I cannot establish that till I die. It would be extremely difficult for me to post any blogs at that point of time though.

Category: Family, Humor | 42 Comments on Open letter to my first wife, Sharmila