23 April 2018

A lasting memory from this trip

My dad loves Natasha’s writings. He has a standing instruction for me to bring her writings when I come. The challenge, of course, is that most of her writings are in online format and my dad is a complete offline kind of guy 🙂 A couple of times I had brought printouts for him but that does not do it for him. It has to be in a newspaper format. I brought him a few more this time.

On Sunday morning, he brought them to the balcony and started poring over them. The camera angle was not great but I think you can see smiling as he kept reading one of those articles. He would occasionally lift his head, gaze away in the horizon, mumble something to himself, smile some more and then restart reading..

I quietly took some pictures and left him to himself.

23 April 2018

Arati-di!!!

The car finally left the asphalt and hit dirt road. We kept bouncing off the potholes and gave right of the road to the occasional goat, hen, duck, cow and even a pig at one time. Every half a kilometer we would ask somebody if they knew the house of a Uttam Dhara. He repairs motorcycles, we would add in case they struggled to place Uttam.

It was like playing pool. We would get bounced off the walls every half a kilometer till we stopped the car and walked down a very narrow lane and came to a house with a small kid standing in front.

“Uttam Dhara-r baari chinis?”
He quickly motioned to signal that we had reached the right house.
A lady came out from inside the house.
I could barely – just barely – recognize the face.

“Arati-di?”, I asked.
“Chintey paarchho?”, she asked if I recognized her.
I do not even remember what I gave for an answer as I was overcome with a surge of joy.

This had been a long wait. Even by my standards, this is was a tough search. The problem is I knew only her first name. I knew she was from some village near where my grandmother lived. And only God knew where she had moved after she got married. Trying to find such a person is akin to finding a needle in a haystack.

Arati-di was a domestic help we had at our home in Durgapur in the mid seventies. Both my parents used to work leaving the three of us often unattended at home. My grandmother used to find poor people near her village and ask them if they would go to Durgapur to be a domestic help. This would give them food and shelter and also some money for their families.

First, we had Pratima-di. Then we had Maya-di and finally Arati-di. I have made very little progress on the first two. But I had a breakthru on Arati-di when I had gone to meet Jagannath-da (if you remember, he was the farmer who used to put me on his shoulder to pluck mangoes) a few months back. I had asked a few villagers then about all the three ladies.

One of those villagers had said that he had heard Arati-di’s son repairs motorcycles but he had no phone numbers or anything. That, surprisingly, was a strong clue. After coming back to US, I called up my uncle who still lives in the old village and asked for the local guy who fixes motorcycle. You can only imagine my uncle’s surprise at his nephew from US asking for the guy in the village who fixes motorcycles!!

The idea was to rely on the network of motorcycle repairmen. I was hoping that somehow they would know each other between villages to exchange spare parts and all that. Believe it or not, after bouncing around a few of those motorcycle repairmen with the same question “Do you know somebody in your trade whose mother’s name in Arati? His mother would be in mid fifties. So son should be around mid thirties” – as the network grew further and further out – one day, I hit pay dirt. Actually it was late night. The family was at a party and I was sitting by the pool late night making phone calls to the villages.

One guy said his name was Uttam. And his mother’s name was Arati.
I explained that I was calling from US.
“Keno? Ki chai?”, he was a little frightened and demanded to know what was going on. Perhaps he was being protective of his mom.
I explained the whole context that his mom helped me grow up when I was a kid.
He was incredulous.

“Apni ki Debipur-er?” (Are you from Debipur?)
I told him that I was from Durgapur but I was born in Debipur and that is where my grandmother lived and my father grew up.
“Teen bhai bon?” (You folks are three siblings?)
Yes, Yes! I had yelled.

He let me know that Arati-di had talked about us a couple of times when he himself was growing up. He told me to call back in the evening when he would be home back from his shop.

Which I did and then talked to Arati-di and noted down her village name.

And promised to see her again.

Which I did.

As I was saying, it brought unbelievable joy to see Arati-di again. I could barely recognize her face and she could not have picked me out in a crowd, of course. But I was carrying a few old pictures from those days which I showed her.

We talked for a long time. She kept telling stories from those days how she used to take us out for walks. I remembered that she used to help us with our meals when we came back from school. I even remember she had taught me all the words of “Ikiri mikiri…. “ (it is a silly game young kids play to a rhyme).

As she and I talked, numerous – very curious – villagers dropped by. There were kids a few years old to very elderly people who were no doubt amused by this clean shaven head – shorts wearing – shoes without socks – profusely sweating guy who had descended upon them.

I met Arati-di’s entire family. Her husband, his brother and their side family, Arati-di’s son and daughter and their families, Arati-di’s three grand kids. And the three cows, a bunch of ducks and the sole rooster that is part of the family!!

She lives in a hut just like the one I was born in. Walls made of dirt, thatched roof made of straw. No running water, but there was electricity.

Eventually, it was time to go back.
“Eto dur thekey aastey onek kosto hoy. Abar aastey boltey bhoy hoy. Kintu phone koro chheler phone-e”. She said she was scared of asking me to come again given all the hardships she thought I had to endure. But she would look forward to phone calls on her son’s phone, she added.

Bouncing back again on the dirt road, we eventually got back to asphalt and the car sped off.

I was completely lost in my thoughts of how people like Arati-di was part of me growing up. Me growing up to be eventually what I am today. Whatever it is that I am today. And how strange life is. Two human beings came under the same roof for a few years and then our paths diverged completely. The paths could not have been any more different if they wanted to.

Nearly four and a half decades later, somehow, we were again under the same roof. This time, her roof!!

Who would have guessed?

Well, I certainly felt good that I have not yet forgotten who all brought me to the dance to begin with.

22 April 2018

That was a weird – but effective – way to relax!

This is from last evening. My brother had come over to the hotel where I had checked in in Kolkata to relax for a few hours over a glass of wine and some brother to brother chit chat before I head out US-wards.

We sat down in the lobby lounge of JW Marriott and got ourselves some wine. Then… and I am not sure what led to what else, but soon we ordered some writing paper and two pens to go with the wine!

You can banish the thought of two brothers noting down the palate, nose and length details of the wine they were having. We are far too nerdy for that. Unbelievably enough, we entertain each other by exchanging math problems or logic problems.

Two sips of the wine later, he said “Try this” and gave me a very interesting math problem. Half an hour of continuous calculations and formulations later (did I mention we sent for more paper? :-), I gave up!

That is when he solved it for me. I was thrilled with the solution and very proud of my brother.

Mostly because he finds solving math problems to be relaxing like me!! Of course there is that irony that when he and I went to the same school, it was I who helped with problems he could not solve.

I realize most of you cannot relate to this but to me, it just does not get any better. It is like high school all over again. This time, with a glass of wine, though 🙂

If any one of you care, here is problem:
What is the value of (x-squared) + (x) + (1/x) + (1 / x-squared)
If (x-squared) – 3(x) + 1 = 0

There is an incredibly elegant solution to this. Message me if you want the solution.

If you cannot solve it, do not worry. Just have another glass of wine. Like I did!!!

21 April 2018

Turning my attention to mom!!

One of the struggles I have always had – and have written about this – is how to make my mom feel special. My dad loves it that I come every three months. He loves sitting with us in the balcony and chatting with us. But when it comes to my mom – she never says anything. Nor asks for anything. If I tell my dad that I am going to miss a trip one quarter, he will get upset about it (till I tell him that I can make a lot of money if I stay back – he will totally agree with me then – go figure!! ) but my mom will just say nothing.

I have that picture of her walking a step behind dad with that chair lest he fall down as he walked around with his walker seared in my mind. I had talked about how we think about the patient but not much about the care giver.

The challenge is if I ask my mom “What would you like?”, the answer would inevitably be “Nothing”. It is like asking a high school student “What happened in school today?”

The only clue I have about what gives her delight is she had once told me how she always liked to go out to different places before marriage and had kids. I know after that, she has barely stepped out of home – she has been so engrossed in her responsibilities of the family. Even today, she refuses to leave dad’s side. The only time I had gotten her out to come out and stay in a resort with us was when I had convinced my dad to do so (about a year or so back).

My best bet this time was to take her out for a day trip – and let the helper take care of dad. Without giving her much of a choice, I packed her into a car and took her to her favorite sister (she has four sisters and a brother) who lives in a village a couple of hours drive away. She had not seen her for some time (actually the last time was also the time I took her there; like I said – this is her favorite sister).

As expected, she did not complain much!!

And there we were!! My mom, her sister, her brother in law and the little grandson they have.

At the end of the day, I know my mom wanted to spend more time with her sister. But I had to draw the line (yeah! yeah! yeah! Rajib was the time nazi!! So, what else is new? 🙂 ) before it became too late for dad’s help at home to leave.

I was glad to catch up with my cousins and nephew too! The best part? A norwester ensued and it started raining hard when we were there. And I was able to take my nephew out in the rains to get drenched with me. I was too much of a guest for anybody to complain (although their heart beats were skyrocketing).

The nephew and me? Pardon the pun in the metaphor – we threw caution to the winds!!

21 April 2018

He fell for it. Hook. Line. And Sinker.

If you have followed the last post, you know the context by now. In short, dad came and joined me and my brother in the balcony this morning. He came by himself in his walker and sat down – completely unassisted. It was slow but he did it. Of course, we were delighted that he is being able to win small wins in his long journey to be back to what he used to be.

Speaking of what he used to be – somehow the topic came to money. Wait a minute, I know exactly how. He was the one who lost no time in starting to complain…
He: “Boddo paisa khorcha hochche” (Too much money is being spent)
I: “Keno?” (Why?)
He: “Kaajer meye. Physiotherapy. Eto kichchu dorkar nei”
As I had predicted, he wants to get rid of the help at home and the physiotherapy because apparently we are spending too much money on them.

I: “Taaka ki tomar sesh hoye jachche?” (Are you running out of money?)
He: “Chinta hoy” (It worries me)
I: “Joto taaka-i hok tomar chinta jaabey na”
I assured him that he is never going to stop worrying regardless of how much money he had.

After some more time…
He: “Tumi maanchho na. Kintu taaka na holey konodin sukhi hotey paarbey na” (You may not agree but you cannot be happy without money)
Okay. Now he is getting into a territory that is totally my passion zone. I was not going to give in easily.
Me: “Mote-i na. Beshi taaka kaukey sukhi kore ni. Aar korbey-o na. Je sukhi se olpete-i sukhi. Aar je sukhi noy, se joto taaka-i dao kokhono sukhi hobey na”.

Basically, I was trying my usual line of more money cannot make you more happy. These are independent (for the most part) attributes. One can be happy with little. One who wants to be unhappy will be unhappy regardless of the amount of money.

He continued with his protestations that you need money to be happy.
I even conceded that money is important. But I challenged him to come up with a number that will make him happy. In fact, I asked him to think what that number would have been if I had asked this question when he was 30, 40, 50… and if he ever got to that amount of money.

Realizing that I was not going to get a convert, I went for the dramatics. Quickly, I laid out a plot and led him thru that…
Me: “Ami ekjon ke jani jaar $$$$ poisa aachhe. Se tate-o sukhi noy”.
I told him about somebody I know who is still not happy after having $$$$ money. Well, except $$$$, the exact number I gave him is pretty much all the money he (my dad) himself has.
I was stunned he did not realize what I was setting up. Worse, my brother did not catch on to it!

He: “Tai hoy naaki?” He was incredulous! He would not believe me!!
Oh! This was going to be interesting.

Me: “Yes. Aami oder bhalo korey chini ” I assured him that I know the person very well.

After some thought, he said “Taholey oder poribaar-e kono problem aachey”. He surmised that then the person has issues at home.
“Like what?”, I asked.
“Swami-stree te hoyto kono complication aachhey”. He figured my person was not happy because of some spousal issues.
“Dujona-kei aami bhalo korey chini. Holof korey bolchhi, kono jhamela nei”. I assured him again that I knew both the husband and wife (ha ha) and there were no problems between them.
“Taholey chhele meyeder saathey monomalinyo aachhe”. At this point of time he was clutching on to any straw. He suggested that my friend had problems with his kids.
“Ekdom na”, I reassured him again.

I had noticed that my brother had started smiling.
“Bujhechis?”, I asked softly
He nodded quickly indicating that he had realized what I was doing.

“Do me a favor”, I said very softly. “Let me get my phone camera on him and then you break the secret to him. Let’s see if I can capture his reaction”.

Once I had my iPhone set on my dad, my brother started..
“Kaar katha bolchhey dada?” (Who is he talking about? – he asked dad)
“Ki kore jaanbo? Dadar bondhu”. Dad pleaded complete ignorance since it was my friend.
“Kaar $$$$ taaka aachhey?” My brother asked him if he knew somebody who had that aforementioned amount of money.
My dad was still confused.

My brother slowly reminded him of our discussion – “What has he been saying? Somebody he knows very well. $$$$ money. Is never happy with money. Who do you think?”

Precisely at that moment he realized that I was talking about him all along.

What followed was a loud guffaw and myriad of facial expressions as I kept snapping his picture on the phone.

Finally I selected two of the pictures for this post that I think tells a great story… The first one was exactly at the moment when he realized what the joke was. And the second one was when he had re-processed the joke and realized that it was on him all along. That “You-got-me-good-on-that-one…I-fell-for-it” – look!

Priceless. Again!

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21 April 2018

That is when you know he is trying to fight back to his normal self…

After the run and the shower, my brother and I sat down in our balcony enjoying the strong winds on the fifth floor waiting for breakfast. My dad, who had observed us (from his bed) settling down in the balcony immediately declared… “Amio aasbo”. (I will join too!!).

If you remember from my previous trip, he would shuffle with the walker and mom and the helper would hold him or carry a chair behind him in case he collapsed. In a remarkable example of how he is fighting back to achieve a better “new normal”, he declared “Ami nijei aasbo” (I will come by myself).

Slowly but surely, one tentative step at a time, he did make it to the balcony, turned around and dropped himself on the chair.

“Ebar ektu cha dao”. (He asked mom for some tea).

That is a sure sign of he getting as close to his past self as he can. You know the other sign? – he immediately started complaining about expenses that we are incurring on his behalf. The next post will be about that. There was a well laid trap he fell into in that!!

19 April 2018

You know what is better than a great gin and tonic?

For a person like me who has been researching about gin production and collecting gins from different countries and experimenting with cocktails with them, very few things can beat the prospect of finding a Gin-only-bar called “Tonic” in the hotel I was staying in!

Except, of course having a gin and tonic there with a classmate of mine that I have always admired (albeit from far) – Joydeep Sengupta! When I had called him up last time to wish him a happy birthday, I had also made a promise to see him if I ever were to land in Singapore. Unfortunately, when I told him that I would be in Singapore, I realized that he would be out of the country. Joy heads up Asia for the largest and most revered Firm in management consulting in the whole world. That is a game played at a very different league. I completely understood that travel had to be crazy at that level.

What I did not expect is a message from him on my last day in Singapore that he will be coming back to Hanoi in time enough to meet me for an hour before I headed out for the airport. I am so glad that he took the effort.

I saw Joy for the first time after 1991. There were so many things we caught up on. One hour was far too less for that. One of the topics we talked a lot about is the complexity of building “trusting” organizations. We were comparing notes of how very successful organizations like McKinsey runs with virtually very little financial goal setting and my experience at a Ritz where I learnt that every employee is given a thousand dollars to spend on guests in case they see a situation unfold that might lead to customer dissatisfaction… and we realized that “trust” is something that is very difficult to democratize and certainly very difficult to build culture around in an organization unless it is done from the very top and from the very beginning.

I had great interest in his second child who has special needs and I spent a lot of time understanding how, as parents, Joy and his wife had to learn a lot of new things in life. One of the most memorable moments was when he said – and I paraphrase him – “your expectations are lesser and therefore you enjoy the smaller things more”!! We talked endlessly about what we – the able-bodied ones – have done for the ones who need special help and how much is still left to do.

I promised to see his second son next time I was anywhere nearby.

I kept the promise I made to him on his birthday. I hope I can keep this one too!

16 April 2018

Hiten Varia!!!

Finally managed to beard the lion in his own den!! Flew from Kolkata to Singapore to spend a day with my erstwhile boss – Hiten Varia! Of all the managers I have had – and I certainly have been blessed with some of the best ones that I learnt a lot from (and still do), Hiten was the one I grew closest to personally. When we were both in Dallas, our kids and the wives – Shernaz and Sharmila became friends too. In fact, Hiten and I have taken our families for vacations together in some great parts of the world together.

And that is the upside when you are building a small startup. You spend so much time together, you go thru such tough times together that the lines of professional and personal relationships tend to blur. It takes a village to raise a startup and the successful startups build some great families.

The thing that made our relationship back in the ‘90s so special was that while we were very tied on core values – especially treating customers and employees, we would often be very very different in our approaches to business. There are some hilarious stories from the past with him on these things.

Sitting in the pub at the Singapore American Club, we went thru some of those moments and what we have learnt thru them. It was 1996. We were under tremendous pressure to deliver to our biggest customer. We just could not keep up with the speed of customers’ requirements and the speed of delivering solid quality, well architected code. Hiten sat me down and explained his belief on how we needed to rejig the org structure and create a new one to solve for some of this impedance mismatch. I fought tooth and nail for two weeks against that idea.

As a reward, I was asked to run the new org!

Till this date, reflecting back, almost everyone agrees that was a brilliant move. Yeah! I came around to seeing that too eventually. So much so, we used a variation of that structure in two of my next jobs!!

As I explained to Hiten last afternoon, thru those intense debates that we used to have at India Palace every late night after work, a few things have emerged in my mind that I have noted down as what I have learnt from him.

(*) The relentless focus on the customer – I truly have never seen anybody who has the customer so ingrained in his DNA. When you realize that you are a successful start up and that you are winning in the field, you can be amazed at how full of oneself one can get with one’s own ideas. While sales and development would start believing that we were better than customers and it was our job to lead the customer from darkness, this guy used to be one of the rare ones walking the corridors clarifying to us who is the cart and who is the horse. This is one learning that has deeply influenced me as a professional in future years.

(*) The ability to hold two opposing thoughts – I do not believe I am that good at it still. Faced with two opposing views, two opposing thoughts – the engineer in me will immediately try to apply logic (or perhaps rationalize) to decide what is “right”? But those days, I used to marvel – may be even get frustrated – that he would hear opposing points of views from me and my teammates or peers and after analyzing them deeply, would just leave it at that. He felt no pressure to align himself with any one view. It was like he would go “Those are pretty persuasive arguments. Each case makes a lot of sense. Good. What is the next topic?”. And I would be like “What? Can we decide first who is right? Actually, can we decide that I am right?” 🙂 You can guess what an idiot I was.

(*) Empathy – This is the single most trait of Hiten that everybody who knows him will say is his hallmark. And the one thing I will admit that I will never ever be able to copy. I have given up and concluded that I just am never going to be empathetic at this level. There are some very funny stories here too. He and I were in a meeting with a customer – ready to face the music – we were terribly behind in delivering. The customer – and this was a lady running procurement with a budget of multiple billion dollars in one of the largest multinationals in US – did not exactly beat around the bush. Hiten, then started talking. The more he talked, the more I was like “What are you doing? We need to give some logical arguments and build a case on our side”. Once he was done, I was pretty sure the customer was going to take us to the cleaners. I had not made head or tail out of what he said. And yet, the lady, looked at him and said “That is all I needed to hear from you Mr. Varia today. Please see to it that your team does its best to support my team”. And then she left after exchanging a few more pleasantries.

I was left stunned in the room, trying to make logical sense of what had just happened. Today, I realize that I was trying to use the wrong tool – logic from my cortical part of the brain – to understand empathy which comes from the limbic part of the brain.

I do remember on the flight back, sitting next to him, I tried multiple times asking “How do you do that?” and had stopped. I was starting to understand that these folks operate at a very different level.

Once in a while though, I can get them to my level – especially if I can grab them over a couple of martinis at a bar in Singapore!!

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