Now that USA has won the top position in world soccer (What? There is a men’s version too? Why would we want to send our men in if the women can rule the world?? ), we believe we have earned the moral high ground to make some adjustments. We looked up Google – there is no country called Soccer or Football. So, we cannot attack it on trumped up charges. We will therefore settle for something less ambitious.

First, we will rename FIFA to FISA. To be honest, we will change the remaining F, I and A too moment we figure out what the heck they stand for. If only we could invite Canada alone, we would have gone with World Series or something like that. But now it involves many more countries. It is too confusing to us. We have to change our No Child Left Behind program to teach them that there are more countries than Good (Canada) and Bad (Mexico).

Second, we would like to call the game Nine Ball. We understand the ball is nine inches in diameter. Like we named our game Football since it is a foot long, it is only fair that now we rename what you call football as Nine Ball. And if Tom Brady ever plays this game, we might have to call it Eight Ball.

Third, we are dead against the concept of a ninety minute game getting over in ninety minutes. To us, this is socialism. Capitalism is about pulling in advertising company’s money on TV every time the ball bounces on the ground. See “NFL” for a reference. Applying the same rule to soccer – now renamed Nine Ball (see exception for Tom Brady), we should be able to extend the game to – Oh! four hours or so – which is enough to run adequate number of beer commercials.

Fourth, we think giving just one measly point every time you score a goal is a typical third world thinking. We believe in far more generous in points. Why? Because we can afford to. We have enough money to give more for every goal. Except when we play China. We hate debt collectors. We are like Greece, that way. So, we move that every goal be given 10 points. And every time you can get the ball over the ball line but not in the goal it should be 3 points. Not sure why. But then again, we are not sure why our quarter back stands ahead of the half back either 🙂

Fifth, we consider having one referee for the entire game a human labor exploitation. In any case, if one referee has to run up and down the whole field the whole time, it will run afoul of our minimum wage program. Unless you can get some referees to cross over the wall Donald Trump is building. In which case, we will see the other way. Do not get any labor from India, China or Philippines to run up and down the field though. We have run out of H1B visas till 2057. By the way, have you even seen how many referees we have in a football game? I mean “our” football game? We have a referee per yard of the field. That is all what our Surgeon General has said their BMI will let them move. Now, we even have a referee of referees. He is usually called “Instant Replay”. We recommend minimum seven referees for any soccer game.

We have a few more ideas. But right now, we have to go to a commercial break….

Found them!!!
They are all here in Alaska!!! 🙂