The History of Time

850 B.C. – Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success.  They’ve finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for centuries.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a sixfooter with a mustache in the women’s shot put.  However, the Egyptians do.

410 B.C.  Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

1 B.C.  Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1125 – Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them:  How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you’re in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 – The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church.  However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted  to continue for only 600 years.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith.”

1815 – Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1859 – Charles Darwin writes “Origin of the Species”.  It has the same general plot as “Planet of the Apes”, but fails to gross as much money.

1911 – Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he’s suspected all along:  It looks a lot like the North Pole…