Category Archives: Humor

Hickey-gem … again…

In the past, you probably have read about my team mate Bob Hickey and his really, really funny comebacks. He is a guy with an incredible sense of humor and presence of mind.

Early this morning, I called him up from the West Coast and went..
Me: “Was it your anniversary yesterday?”
He: “Yes”.
Me: “How many years?”
He: “32 long years”.
Me: “I did not realize that our anniveraries are so close. Mine is tomorrow”.
He: “Oh! How many years for you?”
Me: “Not as long as you. 24.”
Perhaps touched to the quick on that “not as long as you”, in about half a jiffy, he came back with…
“Hey! Rajib, only if my wife agreed, I would be more than happy to step aside and let you catch up to me”.

Again, all you could hear is both of us guffawing on either side of the phone!!!

See… this is why I foxtrot to office everyday…

After three days of coast to coast meetings, finally dragged myself to the Portland airport (with no help from United Airlines, if you needed to know 🙂 ). After checking in, went thru security and dropped down in a chair at the Delta Skyclub. There was one more hour long video meeting to be done before I could walk into my flight.

Somewhere during the meeting, as my team mate Anand Iyer explained something that has been a practice for quite some time in our company, I asked, rather impatiently – “But that makes no logical sense, right? Why would anybody do it?”.

Anand, much smarter than I – and who obviously agreed with my premise, instead decided to answer the core thesis behind my question. “There have four Nobel prizes given in recent times to people who have proven that we all behave irrationally”.

I had to take a time out for a few seconds to laugh my heart out.

“Well played, Sir, well played!!”

Sometimes I wonder why do I foxtrot to office every morning – is it because I am surrounded by very smart people or is it because I am surrounded by very funny people…

Speaking of mixed messages…

So, I came back home. That was her cue to leave home. She dutifully took the daughter to the dance class.

But made the classical mistake of letting me know that she had cooked “ghugni”. You can check Wikipedia for this. And you will learn that there this is not a dish that can be rejected by somebody faint of the heart.

Let’s just say somebody finished the whole bowl of ghugni, taking full advantage of nobody else being at home. To speak of nothing of not having eaten any home cooked home for a week. And that somebody suddenly realized that she was going to be home….

Attempting for a soft landing, he sent the following message (see pic).

And he received the response in the pic.

The smiley was great! Maybe I was off the hook. But then came the ominous “almost home”. That can go either way. Right now, I am having pictures going thru my mind of a school teacher with her glasses down her nose and a stick in her hand reprimanding her student……

Have you ever tried explaining a matrimonial website to your mom?

If so, I might need some tips from you.

It was my usual daily morning call to my mom. After the usual checklist of complaints – you know it is getting too cold or too hot or too rainy in Kalyani and the granddaughter is simply not sitting down to study and dad is not listening to her and so on and I doing my part of morally supporting her with “tai to”, “tai to”, (“of, course”, “of course), she suddenly perked up.

Turns out she had called her elder sister today and the discussion led to her sister mentioning that her son (my cousin) and daughter-in-law are now looking to get their daughter (her granddaughter) married off and are using the “net” to find a groom. “Net” is what everybody in India calls the Internet.

My mom straightaway asked her “Net-e ki korey chhele khunjbey?” (How can you look for a groom on the internet). Her sister was mightily relieved at that question. Understandably, she said, “Tui-o jaanis na? Aami to bhoy-e jiggesh korchhi na kaukey!”. So, she had a nary a clue either but she was too afraid to go around asking her folks how were they planning to catch a groom on the net. I am sure she had figured out that you do not go around with a big fishing net and cast it at the first eligible bachelor / bachelorette you see. There must be something more it than that in the “net”.

According to my mom they had a thirty minute discussion on this. Now, I have to explain to you that my parents and that generation was used to putting newspaper ads in the matrimonial columns to find grooms or brides. And those newspapers usually charged by the “centimeter” (length of the ad since the width was constant). You have to be a Bengali mom of a suitable age boy or girl to understand the sheer cruelty of forcing a proud mom to discuss her kid within a centimeter. That is like asking me to tweet my Facebook posts in 140 characters or less.

Now, Bengali moms might be proud. But they are very smart too. So, they have code words for these kind of situations. Much to the dismay of the revenue generation department of the newspapers, no doubt! Your daughter is not exactly fair skinned? (This is somehow a big thing in India). But, she got first division in Higher Secondary? (This is your high school exam). No problem. 5 single letters – each with deep exhaling “bisorgo” sign after it will do it. In English, it would read something like Ooh! Shya! Ha! Se! Fa!

There! Easy does it. Now you can use the rest of your centimeter in focusing on more important aspects of Bengali matrimonial happiness like “Cooking Hilsa Fish with Sorshey bnata a must” or something like that. When it comes to need for skills in cooking fish, a centimeter does not even come within a mile of hitting the sweet spot.

With that as the background, we had these two septuagenarians trying to figure out what a matrimonial website is on the “net”. I have no doubt that in their mind, the prospective bride and groom sits in front of the computer whole day long. With the modem switched on, mind you. Else how would people find them on the net? Somewhere the original DARPAnet guys turned in their graves this morning.

Finally, she said “porer baar esey eta amader bhalo korey bojhabi to”. I admire her willingness to learn new things but I expect it to be a rather not-so-smooth process. I can picture myself sitting with my aunt and mom and starting to explain the much-feared-net in a true soccer coach “from the deep defense” style. “See, this is a keyboard. And this a mouse”. I can almost visualize my aunt shrieking “Eendur? Kothay?”. And on that note of miscommunication on what a mouse is, she would stop laughing and say “Dnara. Ektu cha baaniye aani”. (she will run off to make one more round of tea). Pretty much that is where we will conclude our first lesson. I am sure the final lesson will be around the time when my cousin would be expecting their first child.

I can’t wait to go back to India 🙂

Royters reports: Former President HW Bush and wife Barbara Bush hospitalised

http://www.cnn.com/2017/01/18/politics/george-h-w-bush-hospitalized/

Unsubstantiated reports claim that, faced with the prospect of having to attend Donald Trump’s inauguration event day after tomorrow, all the currently living former Presidents and former First Ladies have enquired with their respective doctors about the possibility of checking into a hospital 🙂

Nikispeak – Yoga Pose

After the half marathon yesterday and the morning run today, my left quads continue to stiffen up. To ease it a little, I was trying some Yoga stretching at home. I think the specific pose is called Supta Virasana, or something like that. Basically, you sit down with your butt resting on your feet and both legs folded at the knee and parallel to each other. And then you slowly lay back by lowering yourself till your head and back rest on the floor with you looking up into the ceiling.

While this is an excellent way of stretching the quads from end to end, it is not a particularly easy pose for me. Slowly lowering myself backwards is painful and then getting up is another problem.

I am pretty sure I am not a pretty sight in between – when I am laying down in that pose. Nikita, who was walking by, removed any such doubts in my mind this morning. She had one look at me on the floor and said “Dad, your face screams constipation” 🙂